I was first told about the book ‘The girl in the Kings arms’ by my Wife, who particularly enjoys reading about real life stories and the determination and grit that children can display throughout very trying circumstances.
As this project developed, I began reading Yvonne’s tale from her childhood and there were some similarities to that of my own upbringing. In some strange way, it reminded me of Richard Pryor’s memoirs ‘No Pryor convictions’, which I have also re-read during my on-going research. Both amazing insights into troubled upbringings.
Richard Pryor is a huge hero of mine despite all his flaws and there were some striking and poignant moments that are comparable between both books. Both had quite often very turbulent upbringings and both demonstrated remarkable strength in not only combatting external issues but also abusive individuals littered throughout their childhoods.
The most obvious difference is of course the way Yvonne writes. It is from the heart and really resonates with me. It was at this point that I felt I wanted to make contact.
For the first seventeen years of her life, Yvonne was raised in an abusive, amoral and unloving environment, brought up by her grandparents and her grandfather's “live in” mistress, in a rural public house in 1950s Essex.
I actually contacted Yvonne about 3 weeks ago with my some of my ideas – this mostly included my ideas of the mental health book for parents and children called ‘Man in the tree’. I was hoping I may get some feedback and critique of my concepts. It wasn’t a set of questions as such but more of an indication of what field I was looking to get into. I was really glad I did.
Below is Yvonne’s response:
Hi Andy,
Thank you for getting in touch, and yes, I am happy to help you in any way that I can. First of all, have you read my book The Girl in the Kings Arms? I think you will find a lot of answers in there, especially if you associate your childhood as being something like mine. It is about the first seventeen years of my life, and how badly I was treated by my cruel family. I had to take everything that was thrown at me (literally at times), As one of the kinder characters in my book has since told me, I was like a trembling timid little mouse, jumping at everything, and afraid to speak. Well I have certainly spoken out now! Is your book being based on your own experiences? If so, you must be very evasive about who the people are. Then again, it will probably be seen as a fictional teaching and advice book. Your own experiences though will give you lots of ideas about how children and adults interact, As you remember all the awful things that happened to you as a child, your emotions will take you right back to how you felt then, and that will help you to give advice to parents, but without actually telling them what to do. Your book is directed at children though, so you will need to make it clear what age group you are writing it for, and speak as simply as you can. This will help to keep their interest more. I also feel that will need to have illustrations that are pretty to look at, and involve cats and dogs, because children on the whole love pets and that can help to keep their interest. This will also show them that pets need love and protection too. Of course, with the world being as it is now, the children will have to be of different colours! I totally agree with you that parents should tackle questions from their children as and when they arise. If they are told to just go away and that they will find out one day - as happened to me - and I ended up finding out myself in one of the worst possible ways - then their curiosity will be dealt with there and then - as long as it’s not at the dinner table with sensitive people! There is no point parents talking about storks and gooseberry bushes, because children will still be curious as to where babies come from, and will just not believe it! My chapter called So that's where babies come from! illustrates what it’s like to be six years old with my mother about to give birth, and being palmed off with the most stupid explanation of where the baby was coming from! In this part of your book, I feel it would be very helpful to have an illustration of a man and woman, the parents to be, cuddling each other lovingly and looking very happy together. Maybe a few little pink hearts added to the illustration could help children to understand that babies should really just come from love. Or am I going off the wrong track here. I think I have been thinking about my own experiences, and the consequences of what can only be described as rape. This is the basis of my second book, which I am writing now. It’s not all doom and gloom, just how my life turned out to be then, and how I dealt with it. Things have changed so much since all those years ago, but there is a lesson to be learnt from my story. Regarding a child's view of mental health, no-one ever cared about what trauma I was going through, and that has stayed with me all my life. I vowed that when I had children of my own, I would never treat them the way I had been treated - and I never did. I knew from my own experiences what hurts a child the most. Unfortunately, not all parents learn from that, and can sometimes treat their children the way they had been treated themselves. I never did that though, I did everything I could to make my children's life as happy as I could.
Your mention of dealing with a child that has seen something traumatic, is very worthwhile you writing about. I have witnessed so many terrible things that went on within my own so-called family, and yet I was never allowed to ask about it. These images have stayed in my mind forever and have shaped my life adversely. I think that maybe an illustration of a frightened looking woman with a man holding his hand or fist up to her, with a great big cross through the picture could help children to know that no-one should be treated like that. I also feel that when a child suffers trauma from violent images, they should be talked to softly about what they have witnessed, and told that normal people don't act like that. I grew up with seeing these things going on all the time, as well as suffering abuse myself. Then we see traumatic events on the news every day. If children are old enough to see such despicable things going on, I feel a parent should comfort them, and try to explain the dangers that abound in this world, but in a way that they aren't terrified about going out of the door! Just to be aware. Am I right in guessing that you were the child who saw the man in the tree with mental health problems? Was he doing something of a sexual nature? If so, this would be a good part in your book to bring in sick people who wait for a child to come along to expose themselves. In my book I write about going into some waste land, which although unused, had shrubs etc. growing there. I was never stopped from going there, but I used to love going there looking at the various wild flowers etc. One day I was picking some wild roses to take home, then suddenly a scruffy man appeared from behind the bush. I didn't stop long enough to see what he was doing, but I immediately fled, dropping the roses on the ground. Instinct had taken over, and I knew that I was in some kind of danger. So, I never went down there again. I never told anyone at home, because no-one would have been interested in my fright, in fact, from my childhood experiences, I would have probably been asked with some kind of amusement - to tell them more.. So I feel that a child's intuition could be a good chapter in your book. The "take flight" instinct rushes in, and children should be advised to take notice of that gut feeling of impending danger. If only I had taken more notice of my own gut instincts... If children are not listened to nor understood by their parents about their untoward experiences and fears, there will still be those like you and I growing up always anxious as to what is going to happen to us next. That slippery banana skin is not always waiting for us around the next corner! The main thing though is that parents listen to their children, understand them, and deal with the problem there and then. But as you know, this doesn't always happen - hence your book. Writing a book and getting it published is a long and laborious task. From start to finish it took me six years to write The Girl in the Kings Arms. Initially I write in long hand on an A4 pad, and then write it up on here. That sounds simple - but it’s certainly not! I have shed so many tears over this keyboard writing my first book, and now it is happening again. I think I am letting out so much that I had pent up over the years, because I had been sworn to secrecy and was not allowed to mention to anyone at all what was going on. Having completed it, it had to be checked, checked, checked, and checked again. This included a proof reader for any anomalies, and a very expensive solicitor to read and check it for legal reasons. After that we went to the publisher, which we organised ourselves, to discuss how I wanted it presented - the style and size of the font, the presentation in general, the cover, how I wanted that shown, and the colours of the cover and cover script. You can imagine how I felt when I received my first copy through the post! I can't say that it was cathartic really, just that I am so pleased that I was able to write my book and get my story out there after all those years of keeping silent. At long last I got my voice heard. No, actually I didn't have any doubts at all about writing it, despite the criticisms I had from my surviving family. In fact, I am so glad that I did. No, I don't reflect differently on those past events. My life was ruined for many years, but I won't go into that now. At least I was able to get all those tears out whilst writing it, and I have had so much positivity from people who have read my book, telling me how brave I am to have got it out into the open. One nice man even sent me a large basket of flowers telling me how my book had made him cry for me.
Well Andy, I hope I have been of some kind of help to you. Please let me know when your book goes to publishing - good luck - and keep in touch. Yvonne x
Reflections
I remember when I received this response. I was absolutely so thrilled and my Wife had to read it back to me another couple of times. We were so overwhelmed by the incredibly honestly and helpfulness that Yvonne had given me. It opened up so many more areas for me to investigate. There was guidance not only on the narrative but also on the aesthetic on trying to make a potential book more accessible for a wider market. As things stand, I am not too concerned with making this a commercial venture.
This response has also enabled me to see that I need to be more specific with my questioning or intentions. My concept needs to be clearer and to indicate exactly what pathway I am choosing. Perhaps I am being a little hard on myself but looking back on my original message I can see where some confusion has taken place. Yvonne asked me if I had seen something as a child, nothing to this extent but it has encouraged me to be a bit more direct with my questioning.
Comparisons to be made:
Yvonne’s book took six years to write. It was fascinating in discovering her process. From that first organic approach to understanding how the publishing world works. It made me question if I have made the right decision in trying to write a children’s book in such a short space of time. Of course, there are some key differences. My book will be a lot short and it is notes much as a personal experience as Yvonne’s. There are also opportunities for me to self-publish or to make this an eBook, which may make things slightly easier. I hope these words don’t come back to haunt me. There are however a few themes where mine and Yvonne’s ideas exchange glances. This interrelation’s core is driven by the personal experience and pursuit of understanding why these things happened in the first place; and what we can do to eradicate them.
One part of Yvonne's message really stood out for me.
“If children are not listened to nor understood by their parents about their untoward experiences and fears, there will still be those like you and I growing up always anxious as to what is going to happen to us next.”
There is some truth in this. The learnt behaviour that is ‘bestowed’ upon us can often manifest itself into future generations. I am acutely aware that as a Father of 2 children a lot of what I do is passed onto them. I have always wanted my children to have a positive outlook on life and to try and help others along the way. I try my very best to project this, but quite often it is impossible to maintain this good parental behaviour persistently. A part of this ‘magic doorway’ concept is that when parents meet, they probably have the best intentions to create a smooth transition for the child but this may not be possible due to emotions. It’s a complex issue and I am battling hard to interpret my own ideas onto the subject and to challenge the way we have these encounters.
It is always nice to meet others who are passionate about challenging and improving the home environment for children. Yvonne’s experience was very cathartic and as the weeks go on, I wonder to myself of how much I can lay to rest my own particular demons when dealing with my own children. I still have memories and dropping my Daughter back to her Mum’s house and the arguments that could sometimes occur. Wouldn’t it be great if I could reach out to just one set of parents to help alleviate these stormy situations.
I hope in some way I may be able to help Yvonne, her words were incredibly supportive and I will never forget receiving her message. I did mention to her that perhaps the motif of flowers is to be featured in her next book as she referenced two stories about them in her message.
I have contacted Yvonne with a follow up message to give my gratitude for her words. I hope in some ways, she may be able to take the time to help mentor me further through this process. What really struck me about this whole conversation is the kindness that Yvonne has given me. She really has taken the time to give me some great advice and I cannot thank her enough. This passing on of knowledge and experience will not go to waste.
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